I’m no expert on relationships. As a matter of fact, I am a last carrier. I’ve had my fair share of hurt and heartbreak, and even though I say never again, I still give in to love cos that’s just me *shrugs*.
This post covers just an aspect of relationships and it stemmed from a conversation I had with a good friend of mine on Sunday night. We don’t get to see each other often, so when we do, we tend to play catch up. My friend is married with two kids and most times when we talk, she would ask me about my relationship if any. This time around, She asked me ‘how far’ with a certain someone who at some point, I had mentioned that things were getting pretty serious with. *silence* … I hate questions like these especially when things aren’t dandy. At first, I wanted to act like I didn’t hear her or like I had fallen asleep (as if that would get me out of the conversation loool), but I responded by saying things aren’t exactly rosy at the moment and that we weren’t speaking at the moment. Next thing she said was ‘you’re the woman, you have to be the one to reach out’ and fix things or don’t you want to get married?
I felt so many emotions and processed so many thoughts at the same time. I think anger was even one of them. She didn’t ask what happened, or who was at fault, nothing. All she could say was ‘you’re the woman so fix it’. I know its a common saying that the woman is the keeper of the home, the woman ought to fight for her man, the woman should even set herself on fire to keep her man warm, the woman is to bla bla bla. Yes I have heard all that and more but what goes through my head is, even when he’s wrong? even when he has stepped out of line? Then you hear things like oooh that’s how men are, you just have to deal with it. again.
Like I earlier said, I am no expert but I think statements like that are unfair. Shouldn’t it be a fair fight? Shouldn’t he need me as much as I need him? Why do I have to fix everything, even his own mess? Why do some people think that cos a woman wants to get married she should put up with anything and everything? Fast forward to the next day, another friend of mine asked me the same question and when I said I hadn’t spoken to ‘this certain someone’ in a while, she towed the same line. Haaa Grace! you are the woman o. He know’s you’re stubborn and is expecting you to act this way, you should call him so he knows that no matter what you’re ready to fight for him, you really ought to call him and fix this. Tears literally rolled down my cheeks. I was so pained. No what happened, have you guys tried to talk about it, are you doing okay, nothing!
So I’m sitting here wondering, is this how it really is? Am I to always fix it all and fight for him all the time even when he’s at fault cos I’m the woman? What happens to him realising his faults and making it up to me? what happens to how I feel? Was I created for this purpose in relationships? Am I to always to suck it up and die inside? I think not. I think if he values me as much and he knows he’s wrong, then he ought to fix things.
To this end, I ask (in line with the African way of doing things), must it always be the woman who should try and patch things up irrespective of who is wrong? Is the onus only on her to always do the extending of the olive branch all because “she will be (or is) the wife?”
What’s your take people?
Remember people, Talk Thursday is open to everyone. You can send in your entries.
There is no clear cut path on how to deal with relationship issues however I must say that you MUST marry a man who needs you as much as you need him.
As for being the woman matter, yes it’s expected within the African context that you are the manager of ALL affairs (even the ones you didn’t sign up for) however I believe it’s relative cos truthfully my husband is the better manager.
For friends who don’t stop to find out what happened and then advise appropriately; you might want to review your list.
Marriage is a means to an end and not the end itself.
points taken. Thank you.
Hello dearie, this is big brother, if all your friends keep telling you the same thing, then RUN from them, or better still tell em to gerra ra here. If you are fighting just cos you wanna marry him, when you marry what would u now be doing? And the notion of the woman responsible for keeping the home is so wrong, God made the man the head, and as such anything goes wrong with the home, you hold him responsible. God knew Eve gave Adam the fruit yet God asked Adam what happened, yes the woman organise, manages the home but the man is responsible for the entire household, including the manager. He is the driver. However, as a woman, you must work on your self, so that when the man finds , he sees a WIFE and not a girlfriend. , scriptures didnt say he that findeth a girlfriend but a wife. When a man sees his WIFE, he fights for her. God bless you plenty
Wise words… Thank you so much ‘Big Brother’.
A thousand likes big brother
That’s my boo right there mehn.
Doing the ‘I married well’ dance.
I hate how I can so relate to these posts God is this a sign? Lol, jokes apart.
I have a very good friend (opposite sex) and I know him like no other, we had a little fall out but it was all based on misunderstanding on my part but I didn’t point it out because I (MOST TIMES) tell him what he has done to piss me off and etc but this time I wanted him to be sensitive enough to know that I was quiet and reach out to me.
Weeks passed and he didn’t holla until say last week when he’s like what’s up with us, what’s happening and then I blurted out everything! We both got pissed all over again.
To end this, I reached out (as usual) yesterday and explained why I was pissed, he explained why he was pissed and how I misunderstood the conversation earlier and we both apologized (he’s very naughty so I pushed him into apologizing).
All said and done, he reached out first, took a while but he did & he got the message. I told him I didn’t want to say I was pissed earlier because I (MOST TIMES) point it out and I didn’t want to seem like a nag and he said it’s no big deal really that I can keep pointing it out.
So honestly, you need to know the kind of person your “friend” is so you know how well to treat issues, you can reach out to him and replay the whole incident all over again in a way he’d see he’s at fault then tell him he has to be sensitive enough to know when things aren’t great abeg.
P.S I hate that whole ” *you’re a woman, suck it all up if not you no go marry oh* ” comment people make about issues like this. We have standards and we won’t take anything less.
All said and done, its what you basically put in that comes out eventually, know your partner and understand each other..cheers!!
Well the woman must be submissive to the man, in every circumstance not just because we are Africans but even because different religions teach that.
When there is an altercation or disagreement of some sort between them both, the woman should swallow her pride and reach out to the man first, then he can take things up from there. That way he stays the head and there is peace.
The man must always be the head in everything.
Now I know I have gotten on a lot of nerves!!! You can all start your whining now.
Even when the man is wrong? I pray you marry the kind lol
Why shouldn’t he reach out first then? Since he’s the head…
Jason.. u r really funny in ur own way,lol… well submission is not weakness n it doesn’t mean that she should ALWAYS b the one to point out the problems
Being submissive is loving in all aspect. N remember love chastise. 1 corinthians 13 gives a clear understanding of what love entails…
A woman’s pride should be her husband’s if we cultured….
I wld go with Ann. How does one handle a relationship? Its relative & the form a relationship takes depends on both parties involved. While I believe the man is considered the head, that doesn’t make the woman the less human.
I think the problem comes when we try to point fingers to start with or when one partner believes the other should reach out first or apologize.
Imagine a relationship where irrespective of who goes wrong, issues are trashed without one waiting or taking advantage of the other partners willingness to reach out.
That is what I call open & honest communication &matured minds.
My point, we now have faulty relationships because babes ventured to early into it.
I’m not an expert oh, but I believe love bears all things and forgives all things.. no one is perfect, and there is no shakara in love, if it’s not life threatening, u can fix the problem, though I believe it is a 2 way thing, I keep remembering d book she stoops to conquer, it’s for God to give us men worth stooping for in d first place. It is key to note that people don’t change anyway, they simply modify. If a man doesn’t truly love u, biko love urself. Mwah.
Firstly, I would say that age does not reduce worth… that a lady is getting old doesn’t mean she should be the one who takes all the blames in order to get the so called guy to marry her
Secondly, maturity is about taking responsibilities. If a guy wants the relationship to work, he ought to take responsibility for EVERYTHING, and that happens in the relationship INCLUDING CONFLICT RESOLUTION. If he is not willing to take charge of every, I mean every scenario, he shouldn’t marry!!! He has to take charge, initiate reconciliation even if he’s right. Although he may not want to do it directly cos of ego. BUT he has to somehow, someway.!!
A guy in love, would want to make his relationship work no matter how, what… If a man wants to be with a woman, no barricade in the world could stop him.
LOVE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR!
Like Simeon said, age doesn’t diminish value. Look at wine for crying out loud lol. Relationships are a 2-way street leading to the same destination. You’re both filling up the same cup and that requires an effort from both parties. Somedays it’s 50-50 other days its 99-1 but everyone pours into the cup. It isn’t one person’s job to mend bridges if the other person keeps burning the bridge. That’s being taking for granted. Love shouldn’t make you feel burdened. It liberates.
I totally agree